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How To Communicate Your Desires

How To Communicate Your Desires

Are you keeping your sexual impulses a secret? You're not the only one who feels this way. Despite the fact that the majority of us are sexually active, it appears that we are hesitant to discuss what happens (or does not happen) in the bedroom.

According to the findings of this poll, using sex toys, bondage and BDSM, multiple partner sex, and watching porn are all among the top 10 fantasies we find difficult to discuss with our partners. Two out of every five of us are hesitant to reveal what turns us on, and men are twice as likely as women to be concerned about their partner's reaction when expressing their own sexual desires.

But here's the thing: according to our worldwide Sex Maps, we're more sexually awakened than we've ever been, therefore there's no excuse to keep those sensual ideas hidden - so let's start chatting!

Communication of our sexual wants and deep-seated dreams, according to practically every trained sex therapist out there (trust us, we've spoken to a few! ), is the key to enjoying a more satisfied and happier sex life. However, for some people, starting a conversation is a difficult task.

If you're having trouble finding the proper moment, place, or words to start the conversation, we've compiled a list of our top sex conversation recommendations.

Understand your own sexual desires

Understanding our own erotic thoughts and feelings can aid in the development of our intimate relationships and sexual fulfilment. Many of us find it difficult to discuss our desires openly, especially if our more sensual habits are frowned upon.

We often associate shame with sexual cravings, allowing fear to prevent us from fully experiencing some of our most powerful turn-ons. This is why it's so critical to be aware of our own emotions.

Take some time to consider what your fantasies are and what they might entail before starting the conversation. Do you have any erotic thoughts? Are there any of them that you'd like to play out in real life? Are your desires fuelled by past experiences or merely a desire to try new things?

Whatever it is, be comfortable with your own sexual desires before bringing them up with your spouse.

Choose the right time

When it comes to some things, time is everything. There will be a right time, place, and manner to communicate your sexual wants with your partner, just as there will be a suitable time, place, and way to discuss most difficult-to-navigate conversations.

The more relaxed you both are, the easier it will be for the conversation to flow and, as a result, be more beneficial to both of you.

You might assume the 'ideal time' for a chat is during, before, or after sex, but many sex therapists recommend conducting it outside the bedroom.

Speaking in the heat of the moment is more likely to provoke feelings of inadequacy, make you or your partner vulnerable, or raise anxieties about sexual performance.


Instead, we recommend casually bringing up the topic in a less sexual but more comfortable setting. If your partner is naturally sensitive, it's a good idea to give them some advance notice by offering a time and location to talk things over.

Initiate the conversation

So, you've figured out the time factor, but how do you start the conversation? It might be intimidating to talk freely about our sexual needs and dreams, but there are plenty of ways to get started without putting yourself (or your partner) under any pressure.

If you and your partner prefer a glass of wine than a movie, why not watch something sensual together?

Even something as simple as this can spark a light-hearted discussion about your own sexual dreams. (Fifty Shades of Grey, anyone?!)

Playing a game together can also be a great way to start a conversation. There's plenty to play with online, from board games to erotic snap cards and foreplay dice. Of course, if you're both very open in general, you may simply pick up the discussion if you're feeling brave.

If you're looking for a discreet way to communicate without having to have a full-on dialogue, placing a provocative book like this one under your lover's pillow could be just the thing.

Be clear and confident

If you aren't willing to be honest and specific about your sexual needs and desires, talking about them is unlikely to provide any results.

You and your partner may both be frustrated if you casually remark that you'd want to try something new or different in the bedroom.

Instead, spend some time describing your fantasies to your lover, indicating whether they're ones you'd like to reenact in the bedroom or ones you like to play with in your head during passionate moments.

The more you are willing to give, the more you will receive. Do you like it to be a little tougher, a little softer, or a little slower? Do you fantasise about bondage, power play, or bringing in a third person into your sexual relationship? Maybe it's just a matter of preference for more or less intimacy. In either case, you'll need to be specific so your partner understands what you're trying to say.

Sometimes a conversation necessitates more than simply two of you talking. In certain cases, a professional opinion may be beneficial.

Be affirming, not critical

There are two ways to approach a discourse about sex and intimacy: the first is to focus too much on the bad, and the second is to shower your partner with positive affirmations.

Remember that sex is a profoundly personal act of intimacy, and even if your talk does not imply performance, it is all too easy to feel intimidated or inadequate when the subject is brought up.

Take the time to be affirming and check that your wording isn't critical. Phrases like "I adore it when you do that" and "I'd love for us to try [anything] together" are more likely to elicit a positive response. Words of affirmation can boost your lover's confidence and encourage them to try new things.

Let your lover in.

Keep in mind that most sexual intimacy is a two-person act. It's just as crucial to inquire about your partner's sexual expectations, desires, and dreams as it is to reveal your own.

It's possible that you and your spouse have the same or similar desires, or that your partner has their own.

Always be curious about what might or might not turn them on, talk about their boundaries and desires, and don't be hesitant to ask for feedback on what you've already tried that might or might not work for them. One of the most important aspects of a healthy sexual relationship is a desire to learn about one another on a regular basis.

Allow your companion to speak as freely as possible.

Don't fear rejection.

The truth is that we're all unique, which means we have distinct imaginations, kinks, and sexual wants.

It's entirely natural to have some sexual taste differences with your spouse, no matter how close you and your partner appear to be.

One of you may be kinkier than the other, or one of you may be more conservative when it comes to sex and intimacy.

Even if your fantasies and sexual urges appear particularly appealing to you, they may overstep boundaries for your lover. Keep this in mind and don't be afraid to bring up the subject of your sexual relationship. It's possible that your partner is unwilling to try or discuss something you desire; understanding why this is the case will help you decide whether or not to continue the conversation.

If your spouse hasn't dismissed your offer but is wary, try focusing the conversation on how you can both start experimenting in a way that appears less intense at first.

Seek support

Of course, not all sex and intimacy discussions can be simply settled by just two people. More intricate issues may cause you to feel the need to speak.

Certain challenges, such as mental health and anxiety, physical health and well-being, natural life changes such as menopause, or other sex-related disorders such as conflicting libidos, erectile dysfunction, and much more, may necessitate the advice of a professional.

So, while chatting with your lover is an excellent approach to improve your sex life, it's also a good idea to converse with others.

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