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The Ultimate Beginner' Guide to Bondage and BDSM

The Ultimate Beginner' Guide to Bondage and BDSM

The Ultimate Beginner's Guide to Bondage and BDSM

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but satisfaction is certain to have brought it back. Because of the never-ending success of 'Fifty Shades of Grey,' the hitherto dark and taboo realm of BDSM has been brought into the spotlight in recent years, and we're convinced that the world will be a better place as a result. According to a 2013 study, aficionados of bondage and S&M had better mental health!

We can reasonably assume that if you're reading this guide to bondage, you're interested in incorporating some aspects of this world into your sex life. Ann Summers has answered the door after you knocked. We're here to assist you on your kinky journey, so read our in-depth bondage guide to learn more. Honey, welcome to the dark side.

What is BDSM?

Before we can show you how to do anything, you must first comprehend what it is. Although many people refer to BDSM as any type of non-traditional sexual play, it is essentially an umbrella term that encompasses a variety of disciplines!

The three primary aspects of BDSM are...

Bondage and Discipline (B&D) Discipline is the use of punishment or reward in response to a set of rules, whereas bondage is the use of constraints to improve sexual pleasure. So, if you've ever spanked your partner or used handcuffs on them for being naughty, congrats! You've dabbled in the B&D realm.

Dominance and submission (D&S). This branch focuses more on power play, which is why it's sometimes referred to as D/s (note the capital D and lower case s, which emphasises this further). This style of BDSM play can be lighthearted, such as a teacher-student fantasy, or much more serious, such as humiliation. You've dipped your toe in here if you've ever acted out a power play dream, such as boss and secretary.

Sadism and masochism (S&M). Do you recall Rihanna's song? This is, after all, what she was singing about! This branch is not just the most physically demanding, but it's also the one you've probably seen the most in popular culture. It frequently has strong ties to B&D and D/s parts of play, or maybe you're just looking for something a little tougher!

Hair pulling, spanking, and biting are all part of the S&M world, as are paddling, whipping, and clamping.

Common Myths About BDSM

'Fifty Shades of Grey' has brought the world of BDSM to light, but there are still a lot of myths and misconceptions about it and the individuals who practice it, and we're here to clear things up. By no means is this a comprehensive list, but it does demonstrate the importance of conducting research before trusting everything you hear.

Myth #1 - Submissives in BDSM relationships are weak

Submissives, often known as "bottoms" or "subs," are the recipients of the action, meaning they are the ones who are physically punished or controlled. On the surface, it appears that the dominants are the ones in charge and the submissives are the ones who yield to their will; however, this is not the case!

The dominant is only able to carry out such acts (which are from a pre-agreed list) because the submissive has given her assent. And if the submissive says "no" at any moment (more on that later), the dominant must stop. So, as you can see, the submissive has all control!

Myth #2 - BDSM always involves sex

This is more of a generalization, and while BDSM can be linked to sex (if you'll excuse the pun), many people keep the two separate. Many professional Doms who are hired to perform BDSM acts will not have sex with their submissives because it is a totally different act for some people than sexual enjoyment. Some couples, on the other hand, may have sex during their BDSM scenes; it's just a matter of personal preference!

Myth #3 - There's something wrong with you

Persons who are unfamiliar with bondage may believe that those who participate have had childhood trauma or that they must be mentally ill to like inflicting or receiving pain. Both could not be further from the truth. BDSM is merely a form of self-expression, and we have no intention of passing judgement! It doesn't matter whether it floats your boat or not; all that counts is that you like it!

Myth #4 - You're either a Dom or a Sub

There's a popular fallacy that depending on your personality type, you're either a Dom or a Sub. On the other hand, this is not always the case. Those who appear to be in charge and domineering in public may prefer to submit and be told what to do behind closed doors, and vice versa.

You don't have to categorise yourself into one of these groups. If you and your spouse are just getting started in this realm, being a "switch" allows you to try out both roles. Don't feel constrained; be free and let your imagination run wild.



Why engage in BDSM?

BDSM is a gateway to sexual experimentation, and it may elevate your pleasure to new heights, but it also has a slew of other advantages for your overall health and relationship. This bondage handbook is designed to encourage you to be more open with your partner and to experience new levels of pleasure.

So, how about we have a look?

  1. It enhances intimacy between couples

Any sort of sexual expression necessitates some level of intimacy, but in a BDSM scenario, that level of intimacy is amplified owing to the physical danger that can be involved. Consider this: if you're going to be trussed up, gagged and blinded, or spanked, you're putting your partner in a position of extreme trust.

Don't just take our word for it; there's even some science to back it up! In 2009, a research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior looked at the impact of consensual sadomasochistic behavior on couples bonding, and found that when SM activities went well, relationship intimacy increased.

  1. It also helps your communication

Before two people can ever consider participating in a BDSM scene, they must first converse openly and honestly with each other. They must talk about their sexual needs and restrictions in great detail, devise a "safe word" that stops all play, and be able to distinguish between play and usual relationship behavior.


Transparency and open and honest communication are the cornerstones of a strong BDSM relationship, and these qualities may be applied to other aspects of your life.

  1. It can improve your mental health

Due to the production of endorphins and Oxytocin (the "love" hormone) in our brains, any type of physical activity, whether it's exercise, physical touch, or sex, can have a beneficial influence on our mental health. However, the same can be said about BDSM.

One of the myths surrounding the realm of BDSM is that those who practice it must have a mental health problem. On the contrary, it may be argued that the opposite is true!

According to a research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2013, people who engaged in BDSM had higher scores on some mental health markers than those who engaged in vanilla sex. Those who believed themselves to be 'BDSM-friendly,' according to the research, were more open to new experiences, less rejection-sensitive, less neurotic, and more extraverted.

As per the 2009 study, those who participated in BDSM had decreased cortisol (the stress hormone) levels thereafter. And we're all aware of the detrimental effects of stress on our mental and physical health.

  1. You can experience more pleasure

There is a delicate line between pleasure and suffering, as the old adage goes. The idea of being in pain, whether it's from a gentle spanking or the prick of a Wartenberg Pinwheel, can amp up the emotions of pleasure when they finally arrive for many people.

Hense by tying them up, blindfolding them, or putting earplugs in their ears to diminish their hearing, their other senses will become more sensitive, especially their skin and sense of touch. Plus, being unable to see, hear, or touch your partner can lend a lot of intrigue to the situation.

What are the different types of BDSM?

The BDSM world isn't black and white; in fact, it's far from it! There are dozens of various methods to play available for you to try out, so you're likely to discover something that appeals to you.

We'll go through a few of the different varieties to help you get a better idea of what's out there, but keep in mind that this isn't an exhaustive list. We're simply taking it slow with you, sweetie. When it's time to play, use it as inspiration for any bondage ideas you have.

Role play is, without a question, a category that most readers will be familiar with. Role play includes anything from students and teachers to patients and doctors.

Restraining: This style of play, often known as bondage, refers to any means used to bind you or your partner during a scene. Handcuffs, blindfolds, clamps, spreader bars, ropes, wrist and ankle cuffs, and hog ties are examples of this. Ceiling suspension equipment and bondage furniture such as a St. Andrew's Cross can also be used by individuals who are more adept.

Japanese Rope Bondage: As previously stated, ropes fall under the genre of restraining, however Japanese Rope Bondage is a distinct art form. This technique, also known as Shibari or Kinbaku, employs complicated rope patterns on eager submissives to construct harnesses and restraints, and can twist you into a variety of positions.

Impact play: In a word, impact play is all about any form of impact that may be delivered on a person's body. This includes spankings with bare hands, floggings, canings, whippings, paddlings, and ruler spankings. Do you want to be spanked? We'll show you how to do it.

Sensation play: Any sort of play in which you enhance your partner's sensations is referred to as sensation play. Playing with wax or ice; playing with food such as melted chocolate or whipped cream; using feathers, scarves, or ticklers; and utilising a Wartenberg Wheel or electrical toys are some of the most prevalent ways.

Getting started with BDSM

If you've read this far in our bondage guide, you're probably eager to get started. Hold on to your handcuffs for the time being, since there are a few things we need to get through first. Don't worry, it'll all be worth it in the end.

Know your limits

Are you comfortable with handcuffs but hesitant about spanking? Do you enjoy playing with toys, but anal sex is a no-no for you? This is the time to let your partner know about any kinks, likes, or preferences you have. Both the Dom and the Sub in your scenario, contrary to popular perception, must define your soft and firm limits, but what are they?

A soft limit is something about which the person is unsure. They may be willing to try, but they may have stipulations such as certain circumstances or no-go regions; for example, you may enjoy spanking but only on your behind rather than your thighs.

Hard limits - These are a big no-no and should be avoided at all costs. Violation of a hard limit, regardless of whether the partner agrees, is considered a major betrayal of trust in the kink community. Respect your partner's personal space!

Choose a safeword

First and foremost, what exactly is a safeword? A safeword is a code word or signal used by either the sub or the Dom to indicate that they wish the scene to end immediately in the BDSM world. We understand your reasoning; why not simply say "no" or "stop"? You may say these throughout your scene but not mean them - for example, if your partner teases you to the brink of orgasm - but you will not always mean them.

Some BDSM practitioners like to work using a traffic light system because it keeps things simple. Green indicates that everything is in order and that the scene can proceed. Amber indicates that the submissive has reached their limit, while red indicates that the action must be stopped immediately. If the Dom is hesitant, asking "what is your colour?" is a non-intrusive method to assess the situation.

If the traffic light notion doesn't appeal to you, as it often does for many newbies, a safeword can be any random word you wouldn't utter during sex. The crazier the better in this situation because the goal is to break the ice and bring your limits to your partner's attention right away. However, be sure you've both agreed on the correct word ahead of time.

Non-verbal signals - If you've stepped your kinkiness up a notch and incorporated the use of blindfolds and gags, then the safeword may not be a word at all. To grab the Dom's attention, you could ring a little bell, drop a ball, or click your fingers.

Fail to plan, plan to fail

Now comes the most enjoyable part of the planning process: determining what you're going to do. This might encompass anything from the toys you'll use to the postures you'll take to the fantasy you'll act out.

If you're new to bondage, you might want to start lightly by introducing some nasty language or mild spanking into your regular sexual routine. If you want more, talk about it before moving on to the next scenario. You don't have to go all out with latex from head to toe! Unless, of course, you want to.

Dipping your toe in: Getting started with bondage

Okay, now comes the fun part. Are you ready?

Get out those fluffy handcuffs you got in a Secret Santa years ago (you saved them for a reason) and try trying some light bondage that way. Experiment with some rough play the next time you climb between the sheets, such as hair pulling or even hand spanking. Perhaps blindfold your lover with a tie or scarf? Incorporating these light components into your regular sex play can make the move from vanilla to something a little darker a lot easier.

You don't need to buy any toys or equipment just yet, but by dipping your toe into the water, you can get a sense of whether this is the path for you.

Taking things to the next level…

So far, have you liked what you've tried? Then it's probably time to take things up a notch. Why not invest in a few bondage gear to ensure that you're well prepared for the kinky task that awaits you?

Instead of using your hand, try using a whip, cane, or paddle. Remember that it doesn't have to hurt; even the tiniest sensations can intensify sensations considerably more than a heavy whip.

With certain clamps, either nipple or clit, walk the line between pleasure and agony. For novices, adjustable ones are preferable because they may give a nice sensation without going too far. Spreader bars (leave your sub fully at your mercy), gags (stop that backchat in its tracks), or a collar and lead (if you're in a particularly controlling mood) are all equipment that can help you take things to the next level.

For the more advanced bondage players

There are more "advanced" areas that you can start dabbling in once you've played with bondage play for some time and believe you're ready to take the next step. The most difficult stage is commonly referred to as 'edge play,' since it physically pushes the boundaries of what you or your partner can withstand.

Electro play could be a wonderful place to start if you're looking to take the next step. This includes stimulating the cells in your skin and body with low-voltage electrical currents. Don't worry; they're not powerful enough to cause major injury, and you'll probably feel a tingle rather than a harsh shock. However, we've included it in our advanced section because many people are frightened off by the idea of electrical currents.

For some, humiliation play is a hard boundary, but many people appreciate the feelings it can elicit. This form of forced public humiliation can range from being called derogatory names in the privacy of your own bedroom (remember, the insults must be agreed upon beforehand) - you might start by talking dirty and see where you want to go from there - to full-fledged forced public humiliation.

Above all, keep in mind that there is a vast world out there, and we've only begun to scratch the surface here!

The importance of BDSM aftercare

You're almost there, now. You've had the key chats, chosen your safeword, set the toys out, and set the scene, but there's one aspect of BDSM that you must not overlook: the aftercare.

What is BDSM aftercare?

Any form of BDSM scene may be extremely stressful on both the body and the mind. Aftercare is simply the time spent by a couple after the wedding to tend to each other's needs. The Dom will usually look after their Sub, caring to their mental and physical needs, but the Dom requires attention as well. The part of a scene where both parties take time to 'come back to reality' is known as aftercare.

Why do we need aftercare?

When two people act in a scene, they are playing characters they would never portray in real life. You don't want your spouse to reflect the frequently degrading parts of a BDSM scene in your everyday relationship, even if you enjoy being tied to a bed and spanked behind closed doors. Aftercare allows you to re-calibrate your relationship and re-establish a sense of normalcy in your life. It is critical that you separate the two portions of your lives.

Because of something known as the'sub drop,' it is usually the Sub who requires a considerable lot of aftercare. Your scenario's physical exertion functions similarly to intensive exercise in that it creates a rush of endorphins and adrenaline that peaks and then drops as the scene progresses. This can make the Sub feel dizzy, bewildered, numb, unsteady, or even tearful - all of which is quite normal. What matters is how you deal with it.



What are the types of BDSM aftercare?

The aftercare is divided into physical and emotional aftercare, similar to the effect that a BDSM scenario can have on a person.

Physical restraints - If your spouse has been gagged, blindfolded, or otherwise confined, you should immediately release them. If they are marked in any manner, such as from a pair of handcuffs or redness from a spanking, it's a good idea to keep some arnica cream on hand to assist relieve any pain or any bruising.

Get them something to eat or drink to help with their blood sugar and hydration levels, and cover them with a blanket or a favourite comfortable dress if they are cold, or they may need to preserve their modesty at any time. They may request that you run a bath or shower for them, which serves a dual goal of washing up (if necessary) and relaxing them.

If you and your partner have agreed ahead of time, you may wish to hold them close to you and kiss and hug them. While this is something that happens frequently after vanilla sex (after all, who doesn't enjoy a good cuddle? ), the physical connection between two partners can help to adjust hormones.

Emotional reassurance is a crucial aspect of a Dom's job; no matter what they've done to their partner, whether it's spanking or name-calling, it's critical that the Sub feels loved and protected.

Discussing the scene you just went through together is a big part of emotional aftercare. This covers any feelings you had during the experience (both positive and poor) as well as any changes they would like to make in the future. It's also crucial to tell them that what you've done isn't bad; some people may feel "dirty" even if you've only given them a gentle spanking! This is perfectly normal, and it is your responsibility to console one another.

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